Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Being the Vampire

It's sad that instead of chuckling indulgently while reading the list Things I Will Do If I Am Ever the Vampire, I was instead nodding ruefully.

(Link found via the awesome Smart Bitches Who Like Trashy Books)

Here's my list to also consider.

Things I Will NOT Do If I Am Ever the Vampire

1. I will not bathe in blood. I'm eternally young. What do I care about preventing wrinkles? And doing it because it's Eveeel is just stupid.

2. I will not become vengeful when the hero/heroine brushes off my advances.

3. Better yet, I won't try to seduce the hero/heroine. There are lots of other fish in the sea.

4. I will not try to reverse my vampirism. I'm happy with all my mad vampire skillz.

5. I will not become a cop or a private detective. If another vampire decides to become a cop or a private detective, I'm moving out of town and not taking their calls. That career choice never ends well and usually results in a lot of collateral damage.

6. I will not piss off any petite women.

7. I will not fall in love with any petite women no matter my sex.

8. I will not date a reporter, especially one that's blonde. They're nothing but trouble. If she's petite too, stake me out of my misery.

9. I will not change my mother into a vampire. Love her, but don't want to spend eternity with her and the whole sorta incest thing squicks me out.

10. I will be humble. Claiming to be a god, king, greater being of any sort is just asking for trouble, usually in the form of petite women.

11. I will not fall in love with a mortal who refuses to become a vampire. The inherent angst is a turnoff. If the person doesn't want to live forever, then really, what do we have in common?

12. I will not make stupid innuendo comments as in, "I don't drink...wine," or anything about stakes or staking. They're old and tired, even to mortals.

13. I will not have a weird or suggestive name. Suzy or Rob is fine. And I will ALWAYS adopt a last name. None of this one name crap. Suzy Jones or Rob Harris will do nicely.

14. I will not keep the same name for centuries. They can track that sort of thing now, guys.

15. If I open a bar, the name will not end in "aven".

Major geek points to those who can guess what I'm referencing in some of these, especially the last one.



Anonymous Anonymous said...

BUFFY! Yeah Joss! Let's hear it for the sexy librarian representin'!

9:24 AM, March 12, 2008  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

you forgot adding:n e v e r let coppola direct a movie about me.on the other hand a movie like "the hunger" is a very good idea.liron

10:57 AM, March 12, 2008  
Blogger Vampire Librarian said...


I just recently found out that Coppola directed Captain EO which I feel must be the pinnacle of his carrer.

8:54 PM, March 12, 2008  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i can imagine the trailer:from the director who brought you captain eo now comes "the vampire librarian!" with michael jackson as the vampire librarian and bubbels the chimp as the dean of the university.coming soon to a cinema near you!.oh the horror!,the horror!.liron

11:18 AM, March 13, 2008  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Aw, "I never drink...wine." is my second favorite quote by Bela Legosi's classic Count. The first is "Your vill is strong, Von Helsing."

12:30 PM, March 13, 2008  
Blogger Katya said...

I thought I knew the last one but I don't. I certainly get the petite women thing! And I want to know what's up with all the vampire detectives/cops? Can writers think of anything else for them to do?

4:23 AM, March 14, 2008  
Blogger Vampire Librarian said...


Off the top of my head, I know the vamp bar in Forever Knight was called Raven, and the vamp bar in Kindred: The Embraced was called Haven. I'm sure there are other examples if I dig.

4:23 PM, March 14, 2008  
Blogger JamiSings said...

Well, some are PN Elrod references, others Anne Rice. There's a lot of cheap vampire romance novel references. A few movies and tv shows.

As for my list I'd have to say "I'd keep my feeding that includes killing to the dregs of society - IE: Pedophiles. Once the hero hears that the men I killed were members of NAMBLA and that they believe it should be legal for grown men to have sex with three year old boys, he won't want to stake me, he'd want to give me a medal for making the world a better place for children."

2:21 PM, June 18, 2008  
Blogger Vampire Librarian said...

jamisings, good idea, but make sure you don't become a 'champion'. Ugh, I hate that word.

9:40 PM, June 18, 2008  
Blogger JamiSings said...

Oh I'd still have my evil moments, I'm sure, but I've got a thing for sexual predators. Especially those that prey on children. And if I was a vampire they'd know what it feels like to be prey.

I probably couldn't resist though taking out people like Britney Spears, Michael Moore, and Anne what's her face as well. But then again, the hero might enjoy that.

5:38 PM, June 20, 2008  

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