Vampires Don't Matriculate

Imagine getting a note from your kid's school that says, "There are no vampires attending this school." That wouldn't be very reassuring would it? Such a note was sent home to parents of Boston Latin students. I'd love to be a fly on the wall of the next PTA meeting because seriously, what was the headmaster thinking?

From the comments I've read, there might to be more possibly going on with this situation, but even so, this all could be a case of wild accusations and rumors flying fast and loose. No matter what, things went screwy at Boston Latin and the kids at the center of this are not going to fare well no matter what they did or didn't do.

I wish I'd gotten a copy of that letter though. It would've made my week.

Read an article about the incident here.

Don't Bite Down

Here's an interesting little article about a 'vampire' found in an archaeological dig in Venice.

Forget stakes in the heart or decapitation, just stuff a brick in his mouth to stop a pesky vampire. Don't got a brick? Use a VHS tape (or better yet Betamax). Promise it will work.

How Vampires Take Baths

Came across this video and am amazed that I'd not heard of it before. The Electric Company was so awesome. I want to watch all the episodes now. And Morgan Freeman should play a vampire more often. Maybe he can get a spot on True Blood, which I haven't seen any of yet, though I've read all the books.

Being the Vampire

It's sad that instead of chuckling indulgently while reading the list Things I Will Do If I Am Ever the Vampire, I was instead nodding ruefully.

(Link found via the awesome Smart Bitches Who Like Trashy Books)

Here's my list to also consider.

Things I Will NOT Do If I Am Ever the Vampire

1. I will not bathe in blood. I'm eternally young. What do I care about preventing wrinkles? And doing it because it's Eveeel is just stupid.

2. I will not become vengeful when the hero/heroine brushes off my advances.

3. Better yet, I won't try to seduce the hero/heroine. There are lots of other fish in the sea.

4. I will not try to reverse my vampirism. I'm happy with all my mad vampire skillz.

5. I will not become a cop or a private detective. If another vampire decides to become a cop or a private detective, I'm moving out of town and not taking their calls. That career choice never ends well and usually results in a lot of collateral damage.

6. I will not piss off any petite women.

7. I will not fall in love with any petite women no matter my sex.

8. I will not date a reporter, especially one that's blonde. They're nothing but trouble. If she's petite too, stake me out of my misery.

9. I will not change my mother into a vampire. Love her, but don't want to spend eternity with her and the whole sorta incest thing squicks me out.

10. I will be humble. Claiming to be a god, king, greater being of any sort is just asking for trouble, usually in the form of petite women.

11. I will not fall in love with a mortal who refuses to become a vampire. The inherent angst is a turnoff. If the person doesn't want to live forever, then really, what do we have in common?

12. I will not make stupid innuendo comments as in, "I don't drink...wine," or anything about stakes or staking. They're old and tired, even to mortals.

13. I will not have a weird or suggestive name. Suzy or Rob is fine. And I will ALWAYS adopt a last name. None of this one name crap. Suzy Jones or Rob Harris will do nicely.

14. I will not keep the same name for centuries. They can track that sort of thing now, guys.

15. If I open a bar, the name will not end in "aven".

Major geek points to those who can guess what I'm referencing in some of these, especially the last one.

High Expectations

I went outside to mail something and noticed two guys sitting on a bench passing a joint between them. They said hello to me, and I greeted them back. I mailed my letter and came back that way. The guys asked me for a light. I said sure, but seriously worried that they were going to light up a fatty in front of me. They didn't. The one guy lit a menthol cigarette and gave me my lighter back, but he did say this, "You came back because you like the smell don't you?"

I shook my head and indicated the library entrance. "No, I work here."

"You work in the library?"

"Yep." I proceeded to go back inside.

"Hey, how late is the library open?"

"Until 10 o'clock."

"Cool. Hey, when does Spring Break start?"

"Today."

"Today? Oh man, you know there are some parties going on around here."

"You're probably right."

I went inside and called the cops.

Some of you may shake your head at me for calling the cops. I wondered if I should, but the more I wondered, the more I figured screw it--If they're going to be dumb enough to light up in a popular thoroughfare, then Darwin says they should get nabbed.

But I didn't figure the two potheads would come in while I was on the phone with the dispatcher. That was a fun turn of events.

I whispered, "Uh, they just came in."

"The suspects are in the library now?"

"Yeah."

"Do you feel threatened?"

Not yet, but if they hear me on the phone with you, the story might change.

"No, I don't."

"Do you want to stay on the line until the police arrive?"

I want to get off the phone so these guys don't get wise to me.

"No, there's no rush. I just think an officer might want to chat with them."

"Okay. There will be an officer out there shortly."

"Thanks."

And so I waited. I really regretted calling the cops now. I mean, the guys were right here. They were making high MySpace comments and being quiet. Not bad patrons. Why'd they have to smoke a joint practically under my nose?

When the officers arrived, they came to the back to speak to me. I confirmed which ones were the potheads, and the officers went to have a chat with the young men.

Eventually the officers came back to update me. I'd been hiding at my desk. I did not want to let these guys know I was the one who called the cops. I know that's cowardly, but I felt guilty. Yes, I felt guilty for calling the law on these guys. Smoking pot is not the end of the world, but it's not exactly kosher either. Dammit, I don't like feeling like the bad guy for doing what the law says is right.

The officers told me, "We don't have enough to arrest them. We've told them they have to behave while in the library or else we'll boot them off campus. They have no priors. We can only arrest them really if we catch them in the act. We told them we received a call from Y Hall of some pot smokers matching their description to give you a little buffer. Let us know if they act up and we'll come back out to issue a trespass warrant."

I was really relieved they hadn't said I'd called. The cops lied for me. That's good service.

Only thing is, the potheads are still here. I'd think after chatting with the cops they'd leave, but nope, they're still high MySpace posting, and I really want a cig. Is this their revenge? Are they going to hang around until closing and keep me hostage at my desk? Sneaky high bastards.

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Well looky here, it seems someone has finally figured out why libraries appeal to vampires.

"LOOK! The pasty white skin - they never go out in the sun! The heavily diffused lighting which gives them a reason for not having a shadow. There's NEVER a mirror in a library... AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN SEE IT?"

Found via Librarian.net

Vampires and Math

A co-worker sent me a link to this article. It seems I cannot exist due to mathematics. I cannot refute this article because 2+2=5, but that's not gonna stop me from trying. Supposedly, vampires would've taken over the world long ago if we existed. The theory is every person bitten by a vampire would become a vampire, and it would just progress endlessly on till everyone is a vampire. Okay-dokey, I can follow that, but that's assuming the vampire allowed the new vampire to survive.

See here's the thing, vampires HATE each other. We can't stand one another. In all the legends, have you ever heard of vampires living in nice little communities, having blood and cheese parties? No. We kill each other whenever we cross paths. Oh sure, Dracula had his little harem, but Dracula was also an idiot. Instead of staking them properly, he kept them locked away and starved them. The fat lazy bastard.

You might be asking, how do any vampires exist if we hate each other so much? Simple, we get sloppy, interrupted by torch toting mobs, or really delusional and think that this time we'll like this vampire. It's a sad state of affairs I know, but vampires do like humans. Sure, you're all food to us, but you're entertaining food. I mean, who else would come up with an idea like democracy and totally subvert it the way you all do? High entertainment there. So that's why the world isn't overrun by vampires. We hate our own kind and like humans too much to destroy you all. No math required.

And with that cheery thought, I bid you good night. Sleep well, don't let the vampire bite.

My Book

Now, where are my residuals?

Really I hadn't known this book existed until after I started my blog. The book used to be the first thing that would pop up in Google when you did a search for "Vampire Librarian". Now my blog has the number one spot. Thanks guys!

When I saw there was a book with my blog's name in the title, I wanted to buy it. Little did I know that the book was not published in the US, and American booksellers were charging sixty or more dollars for the book, but fortunately eBay saved me. I bought the book from an Australian used bookseller for less than twenty bucks, and that's including shipping and handling. I was amused to find that my copy is a library discard and apparently never checked out. Maybe they were afraid of keeping it overdue.

What is so scary about the Vampire Librarian?

I can read thought waves by sonar and transmit thoughts into people's heads to compel them to return their overdue books.

I drive a hearse with a coffin in the back.

I will suck your blood and kill you if you lose a book.

So watch out!

I plan to make the book bat my profile picture. It's just too perfect.

Vampire Librarian’s Vampire Book Recommendations

Here are some Vamp book recommendations. I'll probably do a movie one in the future.

Good YA Vamp Books

Companions of the Night - A sharp story. Characters are believable and not sugar coated.

Silver Kiss - heartbreaking romance for the teens.

Darkangel Trilogy - Is set in a fantasy world, and the vamp isn't of the Dracula mold. He's got a dozen black wings.

Classics

I Am Legend - A great apocalyptic vision.

Dracula - Forget the films, the book has some honestly chilling passages. I thought the ship captain's log was especially chilling also read the criticism to get an in depth understanding of the horror.

Modern Novels

Sabella or The Blood Stone - A novella that's out of print. A vampire story set in the distant future on Mars. Lee also has a vampire series, but I've only read Personal Darkness, which is the 2nd in the series and unlike Hamilton and Harris, you really need to read the first book to get the 2nd, at least that's what I'm assuming.

Interview with the Vampire / The Vampire Lestat - Was a large component that started the vampire craze. The first two in the series are worth reading. The rest, well, if you really like Lestat then you're welcome to read more. Louis sadly falls by the wayside.

Guilty Pleasures - This first book in the Anita Blake series and possibly the next two are worth reading for the supernatural detective element. It becomes a tawdry sex opera after that.

Midnight Blue: The Sonja Blue Collection - Violence is a part of the vampire myth that gets forgotten a lot. Sonja Blue is here to remind you. A Dozen Black Roses isn't as good as this collected trilogy. Mainly b/c Collins puts Blue in an RPG world that doesn't mesh with what she's already created also she doesn't address any of the things left unexplored in the previous books.

Dead Until Dark - Does the Anita Blake thing with rural Southern flair. Sookie's a likable character. The series is ongoing. Hasn't degenerated quite as badly as Hamilton's series, but Sookie's man troubles are starting to mount up, and my interest is starting to wane. If the next novel doesn't focus on Sookie and her brother (a possible new were), I'm writing the series off. Update: It looks like it will.

Don't agree? Got a vamp novel you like? Tell me about it.