Monday, May 07, 2007

An Open Letter to Secret Societies

Dear Secret Societies,

I understand that being clandestine is very important to your societies. No one is supposed to know who you are. Doing nice things for the academic community then becomes problematic. I understand that you have your reasons for being anonymous (speaking an an anonymous blogger), but consider these things when planning to do something nice for the academic community:

Who's going to clean up the mess? Who's going to have to police the students: Slap greedy hands and remind students to share? Who's going to have to deal with all the unhappy students that didn't get to partake of the charity? Who's going to have to get ice packs for those that got stepped on and elbowed?

Please consider these things before swooping in wearing your scary masks and bestowing FREE PIZZA upon the masses of Library X.

I am but one vampire, and it's tough keeping the peace when several hundred ravenous students descend upon the check-in counter. I almost lost a hand, y'all! If it'd had a pepperoni on it, I would have! So please, figure some way to do this so that I'm not in charge of the feeding frenzy. Maybe hang around in your masks and watch over the chaos. The masks may make the students think twice before swiping a whole pie. I'll even let you borrow the newspaper rods to keep the students in check. And then after the five minutes it takes for the locusts to pick everything clean, you can put all the empty boxes in the trash. What do you say?

Well, I guess that's it. It's funny how I never see you guys except at exams. What do you do all year? I know, I know, it's SECRET, but come on, you can tell me. Please? At least give me a hint or something. You can't spend all year coming up with the exam pizza giveaways.

The Vampire Librarian

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Wednesday, May 02, 2007


Exams have begun again, and in true exam fashion, we have free:

1. Hummus, veggies, crackers, and cheese
2. Two large shipments of fried chicken
3. Mountain Dew and granola bars
4. Blue books
5. Ear plugs
6. Chips, candy bars, and cookies

Only the last two are supplied by the library, and this is just the first day. Needless to say, I don't need to pack a lunch when it's exam week. I'm kinda sick now from overeating.