Friday, March 28, 2008

The End is Near

This will be my last semester working the evening shift. I am to move permanently to days when summer session begins. I can't tell you how good this feels. Working 2nd and 3rd shift for 4 years has really impacted my life and not in a great way. I'm ready to live like a normal person again. I don't know if I'll continue this blog or not. I am getting an office with no windows and low light so I could still be a vampire if I wanted, but I'm not sure. I may want to break completely away from this and start new things. I'll continue to post until mid-May definitely--if I find material. Haven't really had anything blog worthy for a bit, but if anything comes up, I'll be bursting to share. Promise.

Today was the day they officially gave me a date I could start days. For a month now, everything was in the air. I was definitely moving to days, but nobody knew WHEN. It was rather frustrating. I'm so glad to have an official date.

Monday, March 17, 2008

Copier Offence

This story was related to me by a trusted student, and I have to share it with you.

He and a fellow art student needed to use a copier for a project and went to one of the small subject libraries to do it. The art department's copier was broken, and this library had the closest public copier. They brought special paper to use, so began opening drawers to load their paper. As soon as they'd closed the drawers, a librarian rushed out and said, "Stop!" She told them that they couldn't use their paper because it would cause a paper jam.

The other student decided to ignore the request of the librarian and attempted to make her copies anyway. The copier jammed.

How did the librarian react? She called the police. You read that right. She called the cops for a paper jam.

The police came, spoke to the students, and charged them with...nothing.

I wonder what the librarian said to the dispatcher. I mean do the cops really stop by if you tell them you have a paper jam? The student said the cop didn't seem to know exactly why he was called in. Once he understood, he let the students go.

I wonder what else this library has called the cops for. Coffee spills? Paper cuts? Loud thinking?


Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Being the Vampire

It's sad that instead of chuckling indulgently while reading the list Things I Will Do If I Am Ever the Vampire, I was instead nodding ruefully.

(Link found via the awesome Smart Bitches Who Like Trashy Books)

Here's my list to also consider.

Things I Will NOT Do If I Am Ever the Vampire

1. I will not bathe in blood. I'm eternally young. What do I care about preventing wrinkles? And doing it because it's Eveeel is just stupid.

2. I will not become vengeful when the hero/heroine brushes off my advances.

3. Better yet, I won't try to seduce the hero/heroine. There are lots of other fish in the sea.

4. I will not try to reverse my vampirism. I'm happy with all my mad vampire skillz.

5. I will not become a cop or a private detective. If another vampire decides to become a cop or a private detective, I'm moving out of town and not taking their calls. That career choice never ends well and usually results in a lot of collateral damage.

6. I will not piss off any petite women.

7. I will not fall in love with any petite women no matter my sex.

8. I will not date a reporter, especially one that's blonde. They're nothing but trouble. If she's petite too, stake me out of my misery.

9. I will not change my mother into a vampire. Love her, but don't want to spend eternity with her and the whole sorta incest thing squicks me out.

10. I will be humble. Claiming to be a god, king, greater being of any sort is just asking for trouble, usually in the form of petite women.

11. I will not fall in love with a mortal who refuses to become a vampire. The inherent angst is a turnoff. If the person doesn't want to live forever, then really, what do we have in common?

12. I will not make stupid innuendo comments as in, "I don't," or anything about stakes or staking. They're old and tired, even to mortals.

13. I will not have a weird or suggestive name. Suzy or Rob is fine. And I will ALWAYS adopt a last name. None of this one name crap. Suzy Jones or Rob Harris will do nicely.

14. I will not keep the same name for centuries. They can track that sort of thing now, guys.

15. If I open a bar, the name will not end in "aven".

Major geek points to those who can guess what I'm referencing in some of these, especially the last one.


Monday, March 03, 2008

High Expectations

I went outside to mail something and noticed two guys sitting on a bench passing a joint between them. They said hello to me, and I greeted them back. I mailed my letter and came back that way. The guys asked me for a light. I said sure, but seriously worried that they were going to light up a fatty in front of me. They didn't. The one guy lit a menthol cigarette and gave me my lighter back, but he did say this, "You came back because you like the smell don't you?"

I shook my head and indicated the library entrance. "No, I work here."

"You work in the library?"

"Yep." I proceeded to go back inside.

"Hey, how late is the library open?"

"Until 10 o'clock."

"Cool. Hey, when does Spring Break start?"


"Today? Oh man, you know there are some parties going on around here."

"You're probably right."

I went inside and called the cops.

Some of you may shake your head at me for calling the cops. I wondered if I should, but the more I wondered, the more I figured screw it--If they're going to be dumb enough to light up in a popular thoroughfare, then Darwin says they should get nabbed.

But I didn't figure the two potheads would come in while I was on the phone with the dispatcher. That was a fun turn of events.

I whispered, "Uh, they just came in."

"The suspects are in the library now?"


"Do you feel threatened?"

Not yet, but if they hear me on the phone with you, the story might change.

"No, I don't."

"Do you want to stay on the line until the police arrive?"

I want to get off the phone so these guys don't get wise to me.

"No, there's no rush. I just think an officer might want to chat with them."

"Okay. There will be an officer out there shortly."


And so I waited. I really regretted calling the cops now. I mean, the guys were right here. They were making high MySpace comments and being quiet. Not bad patrons. Why'd they have to smoke a joint practically under my nose?

When the officers arrived, they came to the back to speak to me. I confirmed which ones were the potheads, and the officers went to have a chat with the young men.

Eventually the officers came back to update me. I'd been hiding at my desk. I did not want to let these guys know I was the one who called the cops. I know that's cowardly, but I felt guilty. Yes, I felt guilty for calling the law on these guys. Smoking pot is not the end of the world, but it's not exactly kosher either. Dammit, I don't like feeling like the bad guy for doing what the law says is right.

The officers told me, "We don't have enough to arrest them. We've told them they have to behave while in the library or else we'll boot them off campus. They have no priors. We can only arrest them really if we catch them in the act. We told them we received a call from Y Hall of some pot smokers matching their description to give you a little buffer. Let us know if they act up and we'll come back out to issue a trespass warrant."

I was really relieved they hadn't said I'd called. The cops lied for me. That's good service.

Only thing is, the potheads are still here. I'd think after chatting with the cops they'd leave, but nope, they're still high MySpace posting, and I really want a cig. Is this their revenge? Are they going to hang around until closing and keep me hostage at my desk? Sneaky high bastards.


Well looky here, it seems someone has finally figured out why libraries appeal to vampires.

"LOOK! The pasty white skin - they never go out in the sun! The heavily diffused lighting which gives them a reason for not having a shadow. There's NEVER a mirror in a library... AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN SEE IT?"

Found via

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