Sunday, June 11, 2006

Golf Pencils

Why do libraries love golf pencils? They're more expensive than regular pencils. They're a pain to keep stocked. They have very short lives because duh, they're short. They usually have no eraser. Using one for an extended amount of time ensures a nasty hand cramp. To put it colloquially, they're just not cool.

Why not stock normal pencils or pens? We'd save money, and libraries are all about saving money. I know that library personnel think that people won't take the golf pencils because they're short and unattractive, but like anyone who has worn beer goggles will tell you, you may not intend to go home with short and unattractive, but you'll wake up the next morning with S&U poking you in the back.

You're probably thinking, "Vamp, where's the love? Golf pencils have been a staple of libraries for years. They're as identified with the institution as books, buns, and shhh." And you wouldn't be wrong, but I'd like to get rid of all of those too. Get rid of the books, wear your hair down, and yell at the top of your lungs. Think of it--A library where you can't find a single page of text, people shouting to each other from all sides, and hair whipping into your face. Why it'd be like everywhere else on earth!

Let's face it, libraries have become quaint. Friendly people, genial atmosphere, and free services is a throwback to a simpler time. We need to start charging a cover at the door, offer nothing, and ridicule everyone who comes in. It'd become so popular that we'd have to beat people back with a stick.

To begin, we have to: GET RID OF THE GOLF PENCILS.

For your amusement:

Little Known Facts about Golf Pencils:

1. They can be shot from your belly button and fly about four feet.
2. They're very hard to break with your head.
3. Patrons despise them. They'll use eyeliner to write down call nos. before picking up a golf pencil.
4. They're very easy to trip on and twist your ankle.
5. Sticking one up your nose is a sure way to make a golf pencil YOUR golf pencil.

Thank you Kyle for helping compile these facts.


Blogger MadameBoffin said...


"5. Sticking one up your nose is a sure way to make a golf pencil YOUR golf pencil."


I shall add:

6. Stick a golf pencil out of each ear for added fun!! ;)

12:44 AM, June 12, 2006  
Blogger practical katie said...

Oh my god, you making me laugh. We have golf pencils too and people hate them. I hate them. They're nutty.

9:47 AM, June 12, 2006  
Anonymous Dances With Books said...

We have those pesky pencils here as well. We really could do better if we just stocked up on cheap pens or pencils (though we'd have to sharpen those). As for ridiculing those that come in, along with your other suggestions, I am all for it. I am pretty tired of the whole "retail librarianship" b.s. going around as the latest trend. Contrary to certain gurus, at times, patrons are very much broken, not to mention they are more than clueless, and not to mention inconsiderate and rude. In those cases, yes, they deserve the ridicule, and we may as well charge for the spectacle while we are at it.

I did not now you could shoot a golf pencil that far with your belly button. I have to try it out sometime.

10:00 AM, June 12, 2006  
Blogger Spike said...

They can be shot from your belly button and fly about four feet.

Aa! Now we know what else you get up to when it's quiet, aside from telling each other stories about the ghost in the stacks.

3:01 AM, June 13, 2006  
Blogger Katya said...

Our library buys real pencils with (GASP) erasers and everything. We even put our web address on them and everything so if patrons walk off with them, they know how to get to our resources. This is actually (I know this is sad) one of my favorite things about this library.

Four feet! A golf pencil will fly 4 feet if you shoot it from your belly button? I'll have to try that.

5:31 PM, June 13, 2006  
Blogger Kaijsa said...

I hate the golf pencils and would love to order some nice writing utensils (marketing tool!), but my library has a backstock of thousands of the little buggers. I will retire before we need to buy another pencil.

8:35 PM, June 13, 2006  
Blogger sunnywordnerd said...

Hi there
Was directed here by a friend who is studying librarianship in Australia. Very funny...The 4 foot belly button thing - ever thought about taking up bellydancing? Sounds like an exercise I used to do involving a 10 cent piece and a tumbler...

6:21 PM, June 14, 2006  
Blogger Bonestorm said...

Lol. I work in a library, and my wife is a librarian. I put her onto this blog and she keeps saying "that happens to me too!!"

I have a suspicion she sticks golf pencils up her nose also, but I've yet to catch her in the act.

9:45 PM, June 14, 2006  
Blogger Vampire Librarian said...

Hee, let's make this a meme.

If anyone tries to shoot a golf pencil from their belly button has to post (on their blog) how far it flew.

10:38 PM, June 16, 2006  
Blogger ecm said...

I've just stumbled across your blog and have enjoyed it. As a teacher, I've actually used golf pencils for when kids come without a real pencil...I'm kind of disappointed they didn't figure out the shooting out the belly button thing.

12:53 PM, June 17, 2006  
Blogger Librarian of Darkness said...

I hate them too but one of our student assistants likes to make sculptures from them using rubber bands . . . the last one was a golf pencil lion with a staple remover for teeth. I keep it on my desk to remind me that these things have at least one use.

2:45 PM, June 18, 2006  
Anonymous sherlock said...

I get all my Golf pencils from Ikea. They've got little pots of them all around the stores, and guess what they're free.

6:21 AM, March 19, 2008  
Blogger Vampire Librarian said...

sherlock, I've never been to an IKEA. None are around here. I steal my golf pencils from Putt Putt.

4:58 PM, March 19, 2008  

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