Stupid questions are exhausting.

I'm sure everyone has had this conversation, but I've got to share it.

Me: You know your items are a day overdue.

Student: Really? When were they due?

Me: Uh...yesterday.

Whoever said there are no stupid questions has never worked a public service desk. I hate when I get a question so stupid that for a second, I don't know how to answer. I have to quickly review the conversation up to that point and make sure that yes, the question really is that stupid. Then I have to quickly vet my response in my head to make sure that it isn't sardonic, sarcastic, or just plain rude. I have to school my features into the blankest expression possible and refrain from rolling my eyes. I remind myself that I can't touch the student no matter how desperately he needs a Gibbs style smack to the head. And I have to maintain this composure until the student leaves the area or I do.

Stupid questions are exhausting.

Old Tech

Never mind the newest gizmos, your mp3 players, high-def, and mobile devices. Libraries are haunted by ghosts of technology past and technology that never really was. Here are some snippets of tech support I have had to give.

Exchange 1

Professor: This VHS tape is broken. The machine won't play it.

Me: Let me see what's going on.

Professor: Look. It won't even go into the machine.

Professor proceeds to try and force the VHS into the player.

Me: Turn the tape around.

Exchange 2

Student: Something's wrong with the VCR. Nothing's coming up onscreen, and there's no sound.

Me: Let me come see.

I check connections and find everything is hooked up right. I pop out the tape.

Me: You're at the end of the tape. You need to rewind it.

Exchange 3

Student: Hi, can I check out LD23?

Me: That's a laserdisc. Do you know what laserdiscs are?

Student: Yeah.

He even sounds a little offended by the question.

I bring out the laserdisc.

Me: Okay, here you go.

He takes it and looks at it for a bit.

Student: Okay, I don't know what a laserdisc is. Isn't there a DVD?

I've had this conversation quite a few times. Laserdiscs are a precursor to DVDs. They never caught on. Of course, we have hundreds of them. Pioneer reccently announced they won't be manufacturing laserdisc players anymore. They announced it only in Japan. The format was a little better received in Japan, but it seems odd that they didn't offer an English press release. We are planning to stock up because there are things that are on laserdisc but have not made it yet to DVD. It's annoying. But it is fun to blow the undergrads minds when I bring an LD out.

Two Extremes

A grad student brought his laptop to the desk in a tizzy. He was trying to access an online article, but the database was requesting a login or $15 for access. I took a look, and the article was out of the date range for the package that we subscribed to. To say he was peeved is an understatement.

"This is ridiculous. It's a very popular journal for this field. You should have this. All the other universities have this."

(All the other universities? Are you sure? Have you made an exhaustive survey of all other universities?)

"I'm sorry, the article you want is just not in the date range."

"Who can I speak to about this because it is really unacceptable."

(I love being bottom of the totem pole. Here let me hand your unreasonably demanding ass off to someone who is paid a lot more to deal with you.)

And I still tried to help the grad student instead of telling him to go away.

"Here's that contact info. We could ILL the article for you, and it will be emailed to you in a day or two."

"No, that won't do. I have to have it TONIGHT."

(Tonight? Did the professor give you a pop paper? Do professors give pop papers? It seems they must with the prevalence of students who must have articles that night for papers due the next day. I mean why else could it happen? /sarcasm)

And I still tried to help the grad student instead of telling him to go away.

"May I see the search results for this journal title?"

"Yeah, sure."

I did a catalog search for the journal title and what do you know, the complete print run of the title was available in Big Research Library, and Big Research Library was currently open. He could go check it out.

"This should be available online. Everyone else has this available online. I don't want to have to leave and go get it." BIG RESEARCH LIBRARY IS RIGHT NEXT DOOR!!!!

I started backing away while smiling and grinding my teeth. "I'm sorry, I can't help you anymore."

That's right. I'm telling you to GO AWAY.

He sort of stared at me a second. (What? Is it unheard of for someone not to bow over until their back breaks to help you?) And then he walked away.

He was so lucky. If I hadn't been still weak from bronchitis, I would've bashed him over the head with his laptop.

I went back to my desk to recuperate, and my phone rang. A female University Z employee had a DVD that another employee had checked out, and she had kept it late. She wanted to pay the late fee for the other person and get the DVD checked out to her over the phone if possible. She wished to show the movie to a class.

I tried to help her out, but unfortunately, she was a new employee and didn't have a library account yet. I renewed the DVD for the other employee so that person wouldn't continue getting fined and advised the caller to visit any of the libraries to create an account. I also told her how to get an ID since it didn't seem she had one yet. She was very appreciative and asked for my supervisor's name and email. I gave them to her and thirty minutes later, I got this email.

Dear Vampire Librarian's Boss,

I want to commend your staff for great service tonight when I phoned Library X about a DVD I wanted to borrow, already checked out by a colleague. The Vampire Librarian was extremely patient and helpful and went above and beyond to get an answer for me.

I so appreciate being treated like that, and it reflects so well on the hard work you all do.

Many thanks,
Random University Z employee

Customer Service: It's a roller coaster ride.

Tough Reference Question

I was walking by the circulation desk when I overhead a co-worker say this into the circ phone, "Um, find shelter?"

I turned to a nearby student assistant. "Are we under a tornado watch? What's going on?"

My co-worker heard me, sort of sputtered, and waved at me to go away. I went to my computer to check noaa.org. There was no tornado watch.

Once my co-worker was off the phone, I asked him about the phone call.

ME: What's going on? Are we in imminent danger?

CW: No, a resident advisor wanted to know what to do if it began raining during the first-year's tour of the libraries. I couldn't think of anything not snarky to say. I almost said, 'Ever heard of an umbrella?'

ME: So you told him to find shelter?

CW: Well, how else was I supposed to answer the question? What does he do when it's raining and he has to go to class?

ME: Skip.

CW: Obviously.

So I Get this Call after Midnight…

Me: Hello, this is Library X, the Vampire Librarian speaking.

Student: Hi, um, I’m calling from Big Research Library.

I look at the clock.

Me: Big Research Library is closed.

Student: Yeah, I know. I’m locked in.

Me: Oh…

Student: I fell asleep, and when I woke up, all the lights were off, and the doors were locked. Could someone come let me out?

Me: Unfortunately, Library X doesn’t have a key to Big Research Library. I’ll call UPD. They should be by shortly to let you out. Are you at the main entrance?

Student: I’m calling from the circ desk phone.

Me: Okay, an officer should be there shortly.

Student: Thanks…

Dial UPD’s non-emergency number.

Dispatcher: UPD, how may I help you?

Me: Hi, I’m the Vampire Librarian at Library X, and I just got a call from a student saying she’s locked inside Big Research Library. Could you send an officer to let her out?

Dispatcher (chuckling lightly): Did she just wake up?

Me: Yeah.

Dispatcher: Where is she?

Me: Waiting at the main entrance.

Dispatcher: Did you get her name?

Me: No, I didn’t think to ask, but whoever’s there needs to be let out.

Dispatcher chuckles some more.

Kyle has been listening to my half of the conversation this whole time.

Kyle: Student locked in?

Me: Yeah, they wanted to know her name.

Kyle: What like they go in looking for Sarah and say, ‘Oh sorry, Jennifer, you’ll have to stay’?

Can I But Not Really?

Student: Hi, I have a request. My psychology professor said it would be okay as long as I have the library's permission.

With that much set-up, I already know the answer will be no.

Vampire Librarian: Okay, what's the request?

Student: Can I drink in the library?

See, I knew it.

VL: No.

Student: But it wouldn't be real alcohol. I need to do a study of people reacting to things in odd places.

(Similar experiments have been attempted before, the psych kids just don't get how common odd things are in Library X.)

VL: I don't care if it's apple juice in your beer bottle. We can't allow it.

Student: Why not?

VL: Well, other than it's against the law to drink in public, we have problems with students really doing this. If we let you, and other students picked up on it, they'll think it's allowed. If we say it's okay for you because it's not really beer in your bottle, that'll be everyone's excuse when we confront them.

Student: Are you sure that would really happen?

VL: Yes, and like I said, it's against the law.

Student: Okay, well, I guess I'll have to come up with something different.

VL: You do that.

I just hope he doesn't come back to ask if it'd be okay to smoke crack in the library, but you know it wouldn't really be crack; have sex in the stacks, but you know it wouldn't really be sex; or conduct open heart surgery in a a study room, but it wouldn't really be open heart surgery. Well, we might actually allow the last one, as long as he put down a tarp.

New Question to scratch your head about.

Question: Do you have ethanol cords?

Answer: I wish.

Are you being robbed?

This is what UPD asked me when they came in tonight.

I looked around, didn't see anyone in ski masks so turned back, and said, "Huh?"

The officers stepped back and radioed dispatch for clarification. I looked at the student assistant, and she shrugged her shoulders. I know that I'm not very observant at times, but she should've noticed if we were being held up.

A student then rushed up to the officers and pointed at someone else on the floor and pulled the officers toward him. They stopped the excited student and spoke to him. I figured out he must've been the one to call the police, but I didn't know why.

UPD spoke to the hyper student for a few more minutes and then approached the other student and asked him to step outside with them. The hyper student was left behind.

Ten minutes later, UPD came back in to speak to me.

"We have a student in custody who stole two drinks from the drink machine on this floor, which another student observed and called-in. Does the library control the vending machines and would the library like to press charges?"

I shook my head and told them that UZ Dining controlled the vending machines, and I had no idea if the library would like to press charges or not, though I was leaning more toward not. I figured the fact that police showed up to speak to this student, was more than enough to make our petty thief never ever rock a vending machine again.

UPD contacted UZ Dining and worked out a plan with them. They wouldn't press charges if the student paid for the two drinks that he stole and wrote a signed letter of apology to UZ Dining. Seems very fair to me.

It seems the student who made the call did it through 911, and the message may have gotten a little garbled from one system to the next, or by judging by the student caller's demeanor, he may have overstated the crime a tad.

Stealing from the vending machines is wrong, but the vending machines steal from the students all the time. It's hard for us to get outraged when either happens.

Another lovely question I got tonight:

Do you have wireless cables?

Huh?

Rat Poison

Learn something new everyday.

Because of the policy changes to the computers, our community/non-UZ patrons have been coming up to the desk to discuss the new restrictions with us. Oh it's fun to be bitched at.

One such patron came up with his little girlfriend to speak to me. He's a young guy. Doesn't even look college age. He's got thick blonde hair. He's looks clean, but his clothes are a little worn out. His girlfriend is the same.

Patron: Why did you restrict the public computers?

Me: We wanted to make more computers available to students.

Patron: What's the policy with the science labs? Can we go in there?

I assume he's asking about the science library computer labs.

Me: You can go in and check books out, but I don't know what their computer policy is.

Patron: No, I meant the science laboratories.

He pulls out a small stoppered vial.

Patron: I make rat poison for my friends because they don't like to buy it, and I wondered if I could use the university labs to do it.

The vial has a watery red liquid in it, and I am officially weirded out.

Me: Um, I don't know what the lab policies are, but I doubt that they'd let you use them for that.

Patron: You don't think so?

He tucks the vial back into his bag.

Me: Like I said, I don't know for sure, but highly doubt it.

Patron: Well, thanks.

He walks out with his girlfriend.

Later I mention the exchange to my boss.

Boss: Rat poison's slang for LSD.

Me: You serious?

Boss: Yeah, I can't believe he showed you his stuff.

Me: I can't believe I didn't know.

Boss: Haven't you ever done LSD?

Me: What?!

Boss: Well...

Me: Yes, I will tell my boss if I've done LSD.

He laughs and shelves a book on a cart. I narrow my eyes.

Me: Have you done LSD?

Boss: Yeah, I'll freely admit I have.

Me: Well, I haven't.

Boss: Why not?

Me: Um...The idea that I could have flashbacks five years later didn't appeal to me.

Boss: Yeah, that does suck.

I'm pretty much speechless now.

Boss: Do you think Laura or Kyle have?

Me: Um, don't know. Either Kyle hasn't, or he currently is. Hey, is there anything else you want to tell me? All this info is very useful.

Boss laughs again. He's a real laid-back, easy-going guy.

Me: Does being Springsteen's brother mean anything?

Boss: No, why?

Me: Well, a couple nights ago, another community member was claiming to be his brother and that Bruce comes to visit him every few days and seeing as how I'm such an innocent, I thought I should ask.

Boss: No, claiming to be Springsteen's brother is just crazy talk.

Me: Good.

So I get this phone call around 3AM the other night...

Vampire Librarian: Hello, Library X.

Caller: Hi, is it busy in the library?

VL: No, not too bad.

Caller: How about on the 1st floor?

(The 1st floor is the quiet floor and three floors below me.)

VL: I have no idea.

Caller: Well, I was thinking about streaking. Do you think it's a good time to do that?

VL: The library's pretty empty, and people are leaving steadily. The ones who are still here won't appreciate the disruption.

Caller: Gotcha. Maybe I'll come by some other night.

VL: Sounds good. If you want maximum exposure, around midnight is best.

Caller: Thanks. Bye.

VL: Thank you for calling the library.