Thursday, January 19, 2006

Dastardly Villains

(Not to be confused with Happy Villains)

The lowest, crummiest, worst type of criminal imaginable is the library thief.

I don't know what goes through these miscreants minds when they take a library book. Maybe they think libraries have tons of money to replace this book or maybe we won't notice the missing book or maybe we're cold heartless bitches and bastards who won't let the thieves check out anymore books because they have ten dollars in fines and haven't paid in a timely manner so their fines have gone to bill collection and their accounts suspended. Many things could possibly 'justify' the theft.

Let me state unequivocally and adamantly whatever your reason, it's shit. You're shit, and until you bring that book back, you will reek like shit. That is the library curse. Of course, you won't notice it because no one ever notices that he or she smells, but trust me, everyone else smells the stink, and they won't like you. That woman or man you try to chat up at the bar will scrunch his or her nose and inch away because you reek with library theft. People won't sit by you on the bus. Only terrace seating will be available to you at restaurants. Children will wail and scream around you. Dogs will howl. Squirrels will hurl nuts. Birds will fall from the sky. Even over the internet, your stench will waft through cyberspace. All your friends will abandon you on, and no one will respond to your emails. Soon, you won't even be able to access the internet or use the computer because your stench will gunk up the CPU.

Return the book. It is the only way to lift the curse.

And if it was the Bible you stole, well, get ready to be smote. You really should have known better.



Blogger Spike said...


And there just isn't enough smiting these days. They oughta bring back smiting. Can't be any less entertaining than Big Bother.

12:50 AM, January 20, 2006  
Blogger Linda said...

hehehe I've never understood the selfishness of library thieves. I purchase for the 500's and I am constantly finding books that need to be replaced because SOMEONE decided they wanted to keep the 'Aceing the SATs' or whatever other study books. Quit being a cheap ass and buy the damn book if you want it but don't steal ours! Ours are to 'share', which I guess is a concept far beyond those who steal.

11:21 AM, January 20, 2006  
Blogger Nike said...

I am in full favor of dismemberment for paper abusers, eating in libraries, and stealing from libraries.
People really were too hasty about dismantling the Code of Hammarabi for some things.
And with 24 hour news networks we'd only have to do it a few times to get our message out there.

3:23 PM, January 20, 2006  
Blogger Happy Villain said...

Here's a tragedy. Every single time someone has been caught stealing library books from our library, the director (and there have been 4 during my career here) have all let the people off with warnings. THAT'S wrong!

One night I caught a girl and she tore out of the building, so I called the police. One of the local cops (one I adore), chased her to a neighboring parking lot where he discovered she'd hidden the library books. He decided to arrest her and have her prosecuted without even asking the director this time. It's amazing what directors will overlook when it comes to patrons harming the library.

5:45 PM, January 20, 2006  
Blogger disgruntled world citizen said...

let the smiting begin!

6:44 PM, January 20, 2006  
Blogger Spike said...

And while we're smiting and dismembering we can also do some stapling. Those wankers who hide books somewhere else in the shelves so only theu can find it oughta be stapled to the ceiling overnight. That'll learn 'em!

8:40 PM, January 20, 2006  
Blogger Katya said...

Or the guy who borrowed scissors from me and cut out a picture from one of the reference books. He needs definite smiting. I know he did it because he looked at the book (which I had just cataloged so it was new on the shelf), gave it back to me and then left. When I was looking through the book, I discovered a page had been cut out.

2:58 PM, January 22, 2006  
Blogger Spike said...

Ktya said: Or the guy who borrowed scissors from me and cut out a picture from one of the reference books.

The evil swine! Not terribly bright either. You guys need a Wall of Shame. Preferably with flashing disco lights on it so even students can see it.

Either that or a rusty knife for on-the-spot gelding.

7:21 PM, January 22, 2006  
Blogger Vampire Librarian said...

Katya, you have my sympathy.

Happy Villain, yay! I'm all for prosecuting.

Linda, I can almost understand the reasoning with the test prep books. They're reference in my library so cannot leave, but they get borrowed without permission quite a bit. As long as they bring them back, I'm not too concerned. It's the Bible and Koran thieves who really annoy me.

Spike, DWC, and Nike, thank you for your support. People dismiss torture and corporal punishment as a means to an end far too quickly. I could think of quite a few good reasons to bring back stockades. Deadbeat fathers are on top of the list.

6:08 PM, January 23, 2006  
Blogger Juice said...

My director told me of a patron whose son had kept a book out until it was several months overdue and she had been sent multiple notices about it. She phoned and spoke with the director and insisted that her son had left it in the book return some weeks back and that they no longer had it. My director, using the mobile phone, walked to the shelf where the book should be located and noted an empty book-sized space right where this tome should have been located were it actually in the library. She told the patron that it indeed was not there.

Later in the day, the patron mother in question turned up at the library wearing a long coat beneath which she seemed to be trying to hide something. She went upstairs, then came back down and departed. She then phoned the library up when she got home and again insisted that the shelves be checked for her son's allegedly overdue book. Of course, it was right where it should have been since she had snuck in with it and shelved it herself. My boss called her on the carpet about it, since everyone had seen her do it anyway, and I don't think she's been in for a visit since.



11:01 AM, January 26, 2006  

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